On your 9th Bday, I want you to know…

By Friday, September 2, 2011 0 , Permalink 0

Today is a special day. Nine years ago I was in a hospital bed feeling like a truck had ran me over, in a lot of pain because of you. You delight in saying to everyone you meet that you were a huge baby (because at your age you don’t understand bigger is not always better), while I try to nervously change the subject or quickly hide somewhere.

I am writing this letter to you today, to always remember these  great moments, and how special the past nine years have been. And also to say some things I need to say. I regret not videotaping you as much. I regret not taking better pictures. Time goes by too fast and at the blink of an eye, you are here, almost all grown up, while not one day goes by where I don’t wish time froze and we can sit and watch looney tunes together without having too much on our schedules.

You talk nonstop. I sure wish you do not become a politician. I hope you do grow up to use your voice for something wonderful. You are so confident and so sure of yourself, since you were young, you have no shame or timidness, with anyone, anywhere, at anytime. That is such a great gift I hope you see it as clearly as me and all others around who are amazed at you.

I am sorry we don’t spend enough time together. You yell at me when we’re home and I am on the computer, saying I do too much extra credit.

“How come you’re always doing extra credit, mommy?”

Believe me when I tell you I do not want to do extra credit. I wish so many good things for us and maybe we are slowly getting there. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

I have so many regrets with you, for all the times I yelled at no reason or I chose to place my attention somewhere else. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you remember less of the bad things and more of the good things.At the end of eight

With you I did learn that time does not stop, or even slow down. Even when the doctor told me you might have a brain cyst and I cried for a week. Even the the doctor told me I might have cancer and I cried for a few hours. Time does not wait for you to cry. I sure hope you learn how to deal with all the bad stuff life throws at you better than I do.

Please remember grown ups do not have as much fun as imagine. You are so anxious to grow up and when that happens, all you will wish for is to be in grandma’s arms again, while she bakes you a carrot cake while you are doing homework. In adulthood, there are too many problems and too few hugs and cakes; don’t waste your time wishing you were older, richer, smarter, prettier: instead be grateful for all you have today and Carpe Diem.

Time does not wait for you to be happy neither. Life is made of moments, good and bad. Opportunities to laugh are here, all the time, every day. We choose to laugh and take it on a light note or not. Always remember: the wolf you feed will be the strong one.

Nothing in life is ever perfect. Even with tons of money, there will be other issues. And maybe when you are healthy, you are broke. Wish you can see and understand that underneath all the imperfections in our relationship and our everyday, we have something very real and very special in our home.

You are so much like me. All the bad stuff you have inherited, that’s me. You are messy, lack focus and attention, and talk way too much. Your sweaty palms. Your forgetfulness. Ok, ok, there’s good stuff too… You love books and reading. You love traveling and vacations. You are so smart. Right now you teach me so many things. We always joke in the car on the way to school how I am definitely not smarter than a 3rd grader. Oh, before I forget: you have a photographic memory. You remember everything much better than I do.

We are having a party next Sunday, September 4th, 2011. We are going to have hamburgers and hot dogs. You are really worried about a hurricane ruining your party, because hurricane Irene has just hit NJ and another one is coming. Every day you tell me maybe we are going to have to cancel your party.

I try to do all these things for you, with all my heart and all the worries moms come with. To be honest, I don’t always succeed. But I just wanted to let you know I tried. This journey of raising you feels very lonely sometimes and there are things only me and you share. And it has taken me so long to see and realize that it’s ok to have a unique relationship. I am just glad most of the time we have a whole village helping.

I keep wondering how you will look like when you are all grown up. Part of me is so anxious to see a happy, successful, ambitious young man. I can just foresee your future and imagine all the wonderful things your life will be full of. I hope you will find your way to conquer all the dreams for your life. Goals are dreams with a deadline.

Love,
Mommy

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