Under Control or Out of Control?

By Thursday, July 14, 2011 0 No tags Permalink 0

Read a great article on childless women at Huffington:


And it’s so hard for me to correlate with these women. Being a parent at 16 of a completely unplanned child makes it a case where I didn’t have time to crave a child.

Photo on 2010-04-10 at 19.34 #3It’s amazingly fulfilling to be a parent – and it will be a great blessing – but even more so with precipitation and preparedness. And people say you can never be too prepared for a child, probably because of all unpredictable and unexpected surprises brought by it but there is so much preparation that CAN and SHOULD be done. Because of my little slip, I am somewhat overanxious about the whole subject. I feel no desire of having another child, even loving babies but just not yet and will probably over-prepare for the time, if and when it comes, if there is such a thing.

The main thing with children is: Schedule. Routine. Stability. And it doesn’t come easy for most of us. Hell! I haven’t taken a nap in 9 years! Just time and randomness is impossible most times. Even with an amazing support system – sister and family very close – it’s such a lonely endeavor for a single person.

So out of control I feel most times. Because it’s all under control – his schooling, doctor appointment, guitar practice, soccer practice, health insurance – and much, much more, all neatly organized and schedule. Much ahead of my personal work events and career growth. Much ahead of hair and nail appointments. Much, much more ahead of actually having friends.

My schedule is always secondary. My life being guided by this imaginary but tough “maternal” feeling. My personal choices amazingly irrelevant. Everything on schedule, if not, it just doesn’t happen. Changing a schedule is something just impossible. I have to be really drunk to do that! hehehe! That’s why I need some drinks….


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